Jughead Jens Goes To Jail

A Taco Bell restaurant in Appleton, Wisc., called police at 2:30 a.m., reporting a man was passed out in his car in the drive-through lane. Officers tapped on the window, but couldn’t get his attention. When he finally woke up, he turned up the music on his stereo “and started bobbing his head to the music,” the resulting report said. Once officers got Bryan J. Jens, 27, out of his car, they asked him to perform field sobriety tests. “C’mon, we’re not all stupid here,” Jens told officers. “Do you even need to do these on me? Serious. C’mon.” Jens was arrested and charged with fifth-offense drunk driving (a felony), possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, and driving with a revoked license.

A THOUGHT: He is right – not all the people in this story are stupid.

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"Well… we will try."

Samson Lindsey, 24, was walking with some friends on a boat dock behind a restaurant in Coosa, Ala., and asked them if they would jump in to rescue him if he went into the water. The friends thought Lindsey was kidding, since they knew he couldn’t swim. Before they could say anything, Lindsey jumped into the inky-black water — it was 1:30 a.m. Several of his friends did jump into the Coosa River to save him, and another called 911 for help. Rescue boats were immediately dispatched, and sonar equipment quickly located Lindsey. But by then, he was dead.

A THOUGHT: But hey: at least he knows he had good friends.

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A Keyser Roll

Benjamin Keyser, 23, thought it would be funny to climb out the moon roof of his friend’s pickup truck as it was heading down a highway in Chatham, N.Y. “He immediately lost his balance, slid down the windshield and front hood,” said State Police Capt. Scott Brown, “and the truck ran him over.”

Keyser’s friends rushed him to a hospital; he was treated for a broken femur, and facial and bodily injuries, according to authorities. “It appears that alcohol played a part in this accident,” Brown said. “The victim had consumed alcohol just before this happened.”

A THOUGHT: That’s good, because otherwise we would have thought he was just plain stupid.

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Princess Bride?

Dale G. Robertson, 25, was driving through Sunnyside, Wash., when he spotted a familiar pickup backing out of a driveway. According to police spokeswoman Charlotte Hinderlider, the two drivers had been having a long-running dispute. Police said Robertson decided to settle the dispute by ramming the unnamed 27-year-old victim’s truck. Robertson then allegedly got out with a weapon — a sword, of all things — and started swinging at the man. Thinking fast, the victim grabbed a machete that just happened to be lying in his yard and defended himself. The victim’s mother, who was still in the car, called 911, and Robertson fled in his vehicle shortly after. Police caught him and held him on assault charges.

A THOUGHT: The victim’s mother only heard the assailant say one thing: “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

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Wanna Lick My Face?

A tattoo on his face! And not just a little one, but something that covers the entire right side of his face. Makes that “warrior” thing Mike Tyson put on his face a few years ago look subtle. And it looks like they added lightning bolts on the top, because what would an ice cream cone be without lightning bolts?

You know though, that might just attract some hungry women.

Gucci Mane’s latest tattoo — an ice cream cone with three scoops and the word “brrr” across the right side of his face — has appeared all over the internet today. For the most part, people seem shocked and confused by the rapper’s unusual decision, and some have questioned whether his recent stay in a mental health facility was a bit too brief. After all, the tattoo is rather extreme in its prominence, even for a guy whose body is mostly covered in ink and already had a few facial tattoos.

So what does the ice cream cone mean? According to Gucci’s spokesperson Kali Bowyer, the image is “a reminder to fans of how he chooses to live his life. Cool as ice. As in ‘I’m so icy, I’ll make ya say Brr.'”

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"Ho, Ho, Ho, Shut up Lady!"

A painting of Santa Claus on a plywood sheet at Tracy’s Christmas Tree Lot in Turlock, Calif., has brought a complaint from a shopper: it depicts Santa in a cowboy hat and a gun belt. The company has used it every Christmas for 20 years. “Santa is made for love, bringing families together,” complained Monica Sliva, “not carrying weapons.”

Lot owner Bobby Vierra shrugged it off. “You know, it’s just a cowboy. We’re just trying to sell trees out here.”

 But Sliva says the decoration “portrays to the kids that it’s OK for Santa to be carrying a gun and therefore it’s OK for them to be carrying a gun.” (RC/KCRA-TV) …

THE VERDICT: “Shut the heck up and put out some cookies and milk, Lady!”

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Woman Arrested for Causing Cop to Taser Himself!

This is one tough old broad: not only did she break into an building to–allegedly–steal some stuff, but then fought off several cops, hitting one of them with a chair. Even after being Tasered once, Irene “Don’t Mess With Me” Bramwell continued to fight and caused an officer to accidentally discharge his Taser, shooting himself in the finger. Eventually they got her under control, but she wasn’t going to go down easy.

According to court records and prosecutors, Bramwell was arrested when police responded to a call at a building on the 5500 block of South Nottingham Avenue on Friday. After police showed up and were told that a person was inside the home, they noticed that a window in the front of the building was broken. When they went around to the back, they found an open back door, officials said.

The officers found Bramwell in the basement after entering the building, officials said. Bramwell threw a wooden chair at one of the officers, striking the person in the right arm, officials said.  As Bramwell continued to resist arrest, the other officer took out a Taser and fired it at the woman, striking her, officials said.

Even though she had been struck by the Taser, Bramwell continued to flail her arms and resist the officers, officials said. As the woman continued to resist arrest, the officer who earlier Tasered her set up the Taser again.  She continued to flail her arms, causing the officer to accidentally discharge the Taser and shoot himself in the pinky finger of his left hand, officials said.

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"Go, Go, Go!" – Criminals Try to Flee Cops in Neutral

So much stupid in this story, so little time. The basics: Three women and a man were arrested as part of a burglary ring after they allegedly stole two TVs, three laptops, a gun and an American Bulldog from a home in Orlando. (Why steal the dog? Maybe to guard all the loot. Who knows?) 

The distraught owner of the dog posted a flier offering a $100 reward for it’s return and a woman showed up to claim the money. Police were called and they gave chase to an SUV that matched the description of the woman’s vehicle. When officers pulled it over, the man driving gave a fake name and officers tried to get him to exit the SUV, but instead one of the female passengers inside shouted for him to “Go, go, go” and floored the accelerator. Lucky for the cop it was in neutral at the time and the engine just raced. Everyone inside the SUV was eventually arrested and charged with dealing in stolen property but the driver faces a slew of charges, including attempted homicide on a law enforcement officer, fleeing law enforcement and aggravated assault with a motor vehicle.

The real kicker to the story? The suspects were traveling with not one, but two small infants, aged 2 and 3 months. Double “Mother of the Year” nominees?

Officers in the area of Edgewater and King Street when they said they spotted a black Lincoln Navigator with a tag that was not assigned to the vehicle.  Police pulled the SUV over. As they investigated, an officer determined that that a passenger in the vehicle, 22-year-old Donovan Thomas, had given her a fake name, according to an arrest report.

According to the report, the officer approached and asked Thomas to exit the SUV. That’s when, according to investigators, Thomas reached over and grabbed the shifter, shouting at the driver “Go, go, go.”  The vehicle lunged forward, police said, almost striking an officer as the engine roared, but the SUV didn’t take off. According to the report, an officer leaned into the car and pinned the driver, who stopped revving the engine and eventually obeyed an order to remove the key from the ignition.

Police spokeswoman Barbara Jones said the suspects were prevented from making their getaway — and possibly striking at least one officer — because the SUV was in neutral.

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I think she made the right choice!

Francisco Hernandez, 22, stopped by a burger restaurant in Pico Rivera, Calif., to ask his girlfriend the question… “Stacy Will You Marry Me?” was written on the back window of his car, but “She said no,” said Lt. Andrew Berg of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. “He was a little unhappy with that.” Hernandez allegedly went back to his car and drove it onto the sidewalk and tried to run the woman down, but missed her. He escaped, driving away with two flat tires. As deputies headed to his house to talk with him, “our helicopter guys spotted him walking down the street carrying a bouquet of flowers,” Berg said. Hernandez was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. (RC/Los Angeles Times)

THE VERDICT: Apparently he was on his way to ask his second choice’s.

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Her Burning Desire

When Anne Semenovich, 74, of Spruce Grove, B.C., Canada, told scrap metals yard owner Vic Small why she wanted to purchase an incinerator from him, he didn’t believe it. “She said she wanted to burn her husband there,” he said later. Thinking she wasn’t “all there,” he instead dealt with her daughter, Laurie. Later, Laurie called for him to check the machine because it wasn’t working. When he arrived and looked inside, Small found Alex Semenovich, 77, Anne’s husband of 50 years, stuffed inside. Prosecutors say Anne shot her husband in the head, and then recruited her grandson and Laurie to help move the body. But after dragging the 240-pound man to the incinerator, it apparently wouldn’t start, so they called Small, who called police.

 Semenovich was charged with first-degree murder, and surprised the court by pleading guilty to manslaughter. She was sentenced to the minimum, 4 years in prison. (MS/Vancouver Sun)

THE VERDICT: For sale: One incinerator, only used once. Recommended for disposal of objects less than 240 pounds.

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